Shinra's Diagnonsense
by sachi-sama
Summary: Celty is faithful to Shinra, and respects all of his opinions... But there's no way he's right about this!
1. Chapter 1

_I decided, because I like to write late night and I'm completely bored right now, to write a one-shot honoring my favorite yaoi couple. SHIZAYA FOR LIFE! Ah, also, to keep Izaya silent for a little while longer about his new chapter fic... (Which is in the making. I'm just fine tuning it.) So, enjoy~!_

* * *

_Shinra's Diagnonsense_

I admit, Shinra likes to get carried away sometimes with his suspicions... He loves to make everyone think what he thinks.

There was the time he kept trying to get me to call him 'Captain Kirk' during sex... I slapped him so hard it almost broke his glasses. It was fine though, because I used my shadows to fix the crack, and all was well.

His newest craze? Figuring out what's wrong with the fortissimo of Ikebukuro and the informant of Shinjuku.

I keep telling him those two are just in a never ending battle with each other. They are a classic case of unstoppable force meets immovable object. It's like the laws of physics or something. Shinra likes to argue with me on those too.

His obsession is figuring out why those two hate each other so much. He's told me countless times that they have no real reason to hate the other. It's just always been that way. I try to tell him that sometimes it's best not to question these things.

I mean honestly, if they weren't constantly at each other's throats, I woundn't know what to think.

Shinra likes to keep his constant observations. He's a bit of a...pervert.

I mean, I don't like to call him that! Don't get me wrong! Sometimes that's the only word I know for it! I love him, really!

Today he's across the table from me, babbling about it again.

"I'm telling you, Celty! If we could lock them up together, they'd be fine! he says as he shoves the omelet I made him down his throat.

I cock my...neck to the side, and he reads my non-existent expression like always.

"You're confused? Well, I forgot to tell you! I'm sorry, dearest! I've cracked it!" he yelps excitedly, finishing the food quickly and leaping to the other end of the table with me.

_[Explain that please.] _I type, still not understanding.

"If we could get them together, no weapons or anything nearby for Shizuo to throw, they would be fine in about...an hour." he informs me.

_[Shinra, they would just choke each other.] _I type.

"Celty, how many times have you been with them together? Have you never noticed how they act? Shizuo, especially."

_[...]_

"Alright, I'll explain. Have you noticed, how even though Shizuo constantly spouts he's going to kill Izaya, he never actually acts on it? Have you noticed that he knows where Izaya lives, and never attacks him there?"

Come to think of it, I _have _noticed that. I've also noticed that they have each other's numbers in their phones. Shizuo is 'Brute' in Izaya's phone, and he is 'Flea' in Shizuo's.

_[Yes.]_

"Exactly! Also, Izaya is an informant! He has Yakuza connections, and _never _tries to put a hit on Shizuo! Celty, I don't think they hate each other." he finishes, his glasses glinting.

I just stare at him in my non-existent way. Shinra has some sort or weird method for knowing what I'm thinking. Just to be clear, I spell it out for him anyway.

_[I have no clue what you're talking about.]_

He grins at me deviously and sits on the edge of the table, facing me.

"Celty, I think Shizuo and Izaya need to have sex. And from the way their fights are escalating, I'd say it needs to be soon."

_[...WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY?]_

"Oh, come on! You don't see the crazy amounts of sexual tension there? I noticed it back in high school, but I shrugged it off! I said to myself, 'Shinra, there's no way! You're seeing things!' Now I know that has to be the case! If we can get them to have sex, their fights will calm down!"

I send my shadows after him, over his mouth. Why would he say these insane things? It couldn't be true! I've been friends with them for years! I just talked to Shizuo yesterday!

Of course...he _did _ask me about Izaya. He always asks me about him. He wanted to know where I was meeting him later. I told him I didn't know, because I didn't want them to fight.

Izaya is more subtle in his methods. He pumps me for information on Shizuo by talking nonchalantly about our friendship.

They are constantly obsessing over the other... They never seem to have a love life of their own. But...is Shinra right?

"C'mon, Celty! Let's just lock them together and-"

_[I'm in, but if we lock them together, I want to conduct my own experiment first.]_

"Ooooh, I love when you get so devious~! Let's go to bed and-" my fist cuts him off.

* * *

Our plan to capture them? By not capturing them. Shinra asks Izaya over, and I ask Shizuo. Shinra has a basement in a building downtown he likes to use to conduct experiments. We both meet the one we invited in the city, and then lead them to their fates.

Izaya is already in the room when we arrive. Shizuo looks at me fearfully, trying to gather information as to what my plan is. He sees Shinra in the corner, and his scowl returns as the doctor locks the door.

"Shinra! What the hell!" he roars.

"So loud, Shizu-chan. Don't you see we're right beside you? There's no need to yell~." Izaya smirks, leaning back in the chair.

"IZAYA!"

"Shizu-chan."

"Shinra!" the doctor says happily just to be part of the moment.

Both men glare at him, staying a safe distance away from each other. Here's that weird connection between them again. They can easily attack each other right now, but they're staying away instead. Why?

Well, that's what we came here to find out. Acting quickly, I wrap Izaya in my shadows and take his flick blade from him. He kicks in my grasp, but calms down when he realizes I'm not trying to hurt him. Shizuo laughs until I wrap him in the darkness too. Their arms and legs are bound.

"Ah, thank you Celty. I'm sure you're both wondering why you're here. Well, we're tired of you two constantly destroying half the city just because you can't admit your feelings." Shinra says.

"What feelings?" Shizuo asks.

"I don't destroy anything. The monster does." Izaya says calmly.

"Celty wanted me to let her try her way first, so that's what we're doing."

I sit both of them down in chairs facing each other, making sure they're close enough to smell the other's breath.

_[Shizuo, say something nice to Izaya.]_

"WHAT? No way in hell!"

Izaya is smirking like a madman, wiggling to get comfortable in the shadows.

_[Do it, or I'll make sure you both pay.]_

He look at me, then at Izaya. He sighs loudly, tilting his head forward.

"You're...smart." he huffs. Izaya laughs.

"Oh, Shizu-chan~! You're too sweet to me!"

And then, for a split second, I see it. Shizuo's blush at the other man's words.

Shinra was right.

_[Izaya. Your turn.]_

He complies much easier than Shizuo.

"I like your body."

"WHAT? That's fucking creepy!"

"I'm only being honest."

_[Shizuo.]_

"Ugh... I think your body is..." he breaks off, making Izaya lean forward in his chair.

"Spit it out~."

"I like it too, alright?" Shizuo looks away again. Izaya's eyes go wide, before he laughs again.

"So, what's the point in this, Shinra? You want us to play the compliment game until we like each other?" he asks my fiancée.

"That's the plan." Shinra says happily.

"Very well. I love your eyes, Shizu-chan. They're so dark and meaningful at the same time. I can see everything you're thinking, just by your eyes."

"...Your eyes are creepy... I think they're kind of neat though..." Soon enough, they're going back and forth.

"I love your bartender outfits. They fit you well."

"I like your jacket."

"You're my favorite monster."

"You're my only flea."

"Ah, really? Here I thought you hated me."

"I do!"

"Do you two even know why you hate each other?" Shinra sighs. "You harbor sexual feeling for each other."

"Do NOT!" Shizuo yelps, turning red. Izaya raises his eyebrows, but says nothing.

"Celty, they're making progress, but we'll be here all night if we keep this up." Shinra says to me. I agree, nodding my helmet.

It's time for his plan.

I lift both men up, making them travel toward each other. Shizuo kicks in my the shadow's grasp, but freezes when I make his lips meet Izaya's.

It's odd. They both immediately go limp, their eyes staring wide at the other. Then, their instincts kick in, and they try to fight. Izaya bites Shizuo's lip. Shizuo snarls and bites him back. I see they're drawing blood, and look fearfully at Shinra. He's grinning and pointing to them, indicating to keep watching.

Izaya draws Shizuo's tongue out, trying to bite it too. Shizuo growls lowly, wrapping his own muscle around Izaya's, fighting him away from trying to bite him.

That's when it changes.

The raven shivers, shoving his tongue back in Shizuo's mouth. The blonde hisses, sucking the appendage in further. They both close their eyes, focusing on their 'battle'. I feel them fighting against their restraints, and I wonder if I can release them now. Shinra nods to me, and I do.

Immediately, Shizuo pushes Izaya to the floor, straddling him and keeping their mouths connected. Izaya tilts his head, groaning slightly when they find their better angle.

"S-Shizu...chan..." he moans, holding the blonde's head as his mouth is devoured.

Shizuo snakes his hand lower, pressing between the raven's legs. I instinctively back up to the door, not wanting to intrude on such a moment.

"Ahhhh! Shiz...Shizu-chan...nnnnnnnn, God..." Izaya pants, bucking his hips into the blonde's hand.

"Izaya~. I want you to beg for it." Shizuo purrs, pressing harder.

"Hahhh... Please..."

"Please what?"

We back out of the room to hear Izaya scream "FUCK ME!" in a feral voice.

As we go upstairs, Shinra is giddily bounding up them two at a time.

"I was right! I was SO right! Things will be fine now, Celty! You'll see~!"

I can still hear Izaya's moans from downstairs, and Shizuo grunts. I can't help but agree with him, that something will have to change between them now.

Years of fighting and hating, ended in one heated night.

I guess sometimes, you just gotta fuck.

* * *

_Sachi: There we go! Short little story to help us travel into my new Shizaya fic! I'm not sure when I'll post it..._

_ Izaya: Soon! REALLY soon! _

_ Shizuo: ...Louse, why are you so eager for a new story?_

_ Izaya: I love the focus being on me~!_

_ Sachi: Um... Anyway, review for love! If you're kind to me, I may post a second chapter to this in either Shizuo or Izaya's POV, so you can know what happens in the room. *le wink* Just vote in your review! ( I personally like writing from Izaya's POV, but we'll see.) _

_Until next time, my dear readers~!_


	2. Chapter 2

_Holy huffin' Jesus, I've been spoiled. You do realize that by offering to post a new chapter if I got plenty of reviews, I meant if I got like, 8? I have 13... We had some votes for Shizu-chan, but Izaya for the win~! So this end part will be from his POV. Before we get started though, I was asked questions, and I always answer those first. __Rai Rai Blue__, yes I am writing a new Shizaya. Eventually... It's going to be a multi-chapter story, and I need to get further in my DelHibi before I start it. I know how it'll begin and end, but I need to work the rest out first. __oOKairiOo__, "How the hell did Celty get the two to kiss?" AH, great question my little thread tugger! Have you ever been held with your arms behind your back? I know when I'm held this way, I have a tendency to lean forward. Also, Celty had them in the air, and while they were fighting to get free... You know what? I'm more into showing than telling. So just read this chapter, and we should be fine. Hopefully... Anywho, on with the story!_

* * *

_Shinra's Diagnonsense, Izaya Style~_

I'm so sick of Shinra. He can't keep his big nerd brain to himself. Constantly, he's always analyzing _something_.

In high school, he had a thing for plants. For some reason, I was the one he constantly blabbed to about it. Every single day it was something else.

_"Izaya, the Venus Fly Trap ate the fly and bloomed!"_

_ "Izaya, I figured out how to make photosynthesis move even faster!"_

_ "Izaya, I like to hear myself talk!"_

Alright, I made the last one up, but you get the point, ne? He's always babbling. Recently, I've been even more creeped out by him, if that's possible.

I've noticed whenever he sees me, he writes something down. When he asks me about Shizu-chan, he smiles to himself at my responses and writes that down too. His eyes are hidden behind those glinting glasses, and I can't help but feel like I'm the one under the scalpel about to get cut.

Needless to say, I hate feeling like this. I always have. I'm the one who's supposed to make everyone feel uncomfortable and insecure. Why the hell does Shinra think he's somebody all of a sudden? And asking me about Shizu-chan of all topics? Why?

What is so important about Shizu-chan?

Okay, so we've been fighting more than usual lately. I've been coming into Ikebukuro more now, for work. He always seems to know where to find me. I find it odd that he could sneak attack me, yet he always feels the need to announce his presence first. Shizu-chan likes to yell at me.

Our banter always ends in a chase, but recently no one has gotten hurt. It's just been me and the brute.

The way it should be.

Currently, I'm on my way to meet the estranged doctor. He said he wants to ask me for information about something. I'm not quite sure what to think about this, since he's never asked me for any before. I'm prepared to cut him a discount, if he really wants some intel.

After all, what are friends for~?

I meet him under a lamppost outside a tall building. He leads me inside, and I'm immediately wary when we arrive to some sort of basement area. It's a little dark in here, but not enough to where I can't see.

I look at him questioningly, and he gives me a little grin. I raise a brow. He points to a chair, and I sit down. I'm still holding my switch blade in my pocket. I'm not sure if I like his grin right now.

Then, I jolt as the door opens. In walks Celty and...Shizu-chan?

The blonde looks as weirded out as me, then our eyes meet, and we both know something is up. Shinra has never allowed us in the same room together before.

We both flinch as the lock clicks on the door.

"Shinra! What the hell!" Shizu-chan yells.

"So loud, Shizu-chan. Don't you see we're right beside you? There's no need to yell~." I inform him as I lean back on my chair. I love harassing this man.

"IZAYA!" he roars.

"Shizu-chan." I smirk.

"Shinra!" the doctor says happily. I told you he likes to hear himself talk.

Shizu-chan is against the wall, not wanting to come near me. I know why. Lately, it's been a sort of electrical response between us. I really don't know how to describe it. We fight still, but it's a lot harder to fight. I just want to... I don't know... I _hate _not knowing. I hate that brute for making me not know!

I jolt from my thoughts as I feel a cold sensation around me. I look down and notice Celty's shadows are around me tightly, lifting me from the ground. I see my switch blade leave my pocket, and I flail in her grasp, trying to get it back. I give up when I realize she's not about to kill me. Yet.

Shizu-chan is laughing like he's not a flea-bitten mongrel. I scowl at him, before I notice he's getting wrapped up too. We're both bound around the wrists and ankles, facing each other. He breathes out, and I taste the air.

Not bad, Shizu-chan~.

"Ah, thank you, Celty. I'm sure you're both wondering why you're here. Well, we're tired of you two constantly destroying half the city because you can't admit your feelings." Shinra says.

"What feelings?" Shizu-chan asks dimly, his breath tickling my face.

"I don't destroy anything. The monster does." I say. I feel it's unfair for me to be labeled as destructive as the blonde.

"Celty wanted me to let her try her way first, so that's what we're doing." Shinra continues. Her shadows adjust, and we're forced into chairs. Now I know I can feel his breath more. It's making it harder to concentrate when he's this close.

_[Shizuo, say something nice to Izaya.] _Celty's PDA reads.

"WHAT? No way in hell!" the blonde roars.

I'm excited. What will he say? Oh, what a mystery~!

Celty shoves another message in his face, that I can only assume is a threat, since this one is a little too far for me to read.

Shizu-chan looks at her, then at me. He sighs, tilting his head toward me. I shiver when his hair tickles my forehead.

"You're...smart." he says quietly.

"Oh, Shizu-chan~! You're too sweet to me!" I laugh. Really, how unexpected. He turns red, looking away from me.

Interesting.

_[Izaya. Your turn.]_

"I like your body." I tell him. I do, after all.

"WHAT? That's fucking creepy!"

"I'm only being honest."

The PDA turns to him.

"Ugh, I think your body is..." he trails off, and I lean forward in anticipation. I HAVE to know...

"Spit it out~."

"I like it too, alright?" he snarls, his mocha gaze meeting mine for a second. I see it. I see it clearly now. His pupils dilate. He wants me.

Shizu-chan _wants _me.

I laugh with this knowledge, thinking of how fortunate that is for me.

"So what's the point in this, Shinra? You want us to play the compliment game until we like each other?" I ask the doctor.

"That's the plan." he smiles.

Well, I have nothing to lose then.

"Very well. I love your eyes, Shizu-chan. They're so dark and meaningful at the same time. I can see everything you're thinking, just by your eyes." I say honestly. His eyes darken again.

"...Your eyes are creepy... I think they're kind of neat though..." he huffs, trying to drown his happiness in my response.

"I love your bartender outfits. They fit you well." I say.

"I like your jacket." he replies.

"You're my favorite monster."

"You're my only flea."

Oh, there's a surprise...

"Ah, really? Here I thought you hated me."

"I do!"

"Do you two even know why you hate each other? You harbor sexual feelings for each other." Shinra cuts in.

"Do NOT!" Shizu-chan yelps.

Is that really what it is? Ah, what a turn of events then.

"Celty, they're making progress, but we'll be here all night if we keep this up." Shinra sighs to his headless wifey.

Suddenly, I feel myself lifted again. I struggle against the bonds, lurching forward to try and free my hands in the back. It's no use though. I can't get a good angle-

My lips are pressed against Shizu-chan's.

Celty forced us to... And now we're still... It feels so...

My mind comes back to me as I stare into his chocolate eyes, and I bite his lips hard. He hisses, biting me back. I taste the metallic twinge of blood in this 'kiss'.

I draw his tongue out, aiming to bite it. If I bite it off, he'll be forever silent! His tongue wraps around mine, stopping my assault. His tongue is...so warm. And he tastes so good...

How long have I been wanting this? Needing this? How long have I...wanted this man?

Our fight changes. I shiver from his touch as I battle with his heated appendage in my mouth. He sucks it into his mouth further, and nibbles on my own tongue. It's amazing... I fight my restraints again, trying to get closer to him. I can feel him doing the same thing. Our wishes are granted, when the shadows are suddenly gone.

He shoves me to the floor, our mouths still connected. His hands are roaming now, and mine go to his hair. He's on top of me, his knees on either side of my body.

"S-Shizu...chan..." I moan as he kisses me harder. Because, that's what this is. A nice, heated, sexy kiss.

His hand sneaks lower, and I hiss when he presses against my groin.

"Ahhhh! Shiz...Shizu-chan...nnnnnnnn, God..." I pant, trying to shove my hips further into his wonderful grasp.

"Izaya~. I want you to beg for it." his deep voice purrs in my ear, making me lose track of everything else.

"Hahhhh... Please..."

"Please, what?"

Seriously? Do I really have to spell this out for him? My lower regions pressing against his hand like they're made of ootoro isn't enough?

"FUCK ME!" I say in a combination of lust and anger. He smirks, pushing harder.

"Ahhh, Izaya... I've waited so long to hear that..." he groans, licking my lips.

"Shizu-chan... I..."

Has it escalated this far? Really? All our fights have been leading to this point? Shizu-chan wants to... And I want him to...

My hands immediately go to his pants. I work on unbuttoning them, just knowing I want them _off._ I need this. I've been waiting so long...

"Heh... Easy, flea." he drawls, helping me out. I sigh happily when I see his erection, standing proud before me. I reach for it eagerly, teasing him with a light stroke.

"Izaya..." he says, pushing himself further into my hand. I revel in this feeling... I moan lightly as I pump him harder.

His hands rip my jeans off me, the button flying off in an unknown direction. His large fingers tug my boxers down. I hiss quietly when I see his brown orbs eyeing my member heatedly. He licks his lips.

"Christ, Izaya..."

I move my hand faster, making his breath pick up pace.

"Shizu-chan...now... I need it now..." I say, writhing beneath him as his pants make me feel like I'm on fire. Before I can blink, I have three fingers shoved in my mouth. I purr happily, coating them in saliva as I keep my eyes on his. He looks like a cat in heat.

How undeniably _perfect~_.

He shoves me on my back, shoving a finger in my entrance roughly.

"Ahhhh! So...So rough..." I gasp as it begins to shove in and out.

"Shut it, flea." he snarls, forcing his second one in.

I don't even blink when he shoves the last one in. This is how bad this has gotten. At this point, he just wants to fuck me. No foreplay, no romanticism.

I'm fine with that.

"Hahhhh... Shiz...ahhhhnnnn..."

"Do you want me inside you?" he murmurs in my ear.

"Y...Yes..."

"Deep inside? Filling you up until you burst?" he continues, his other hand finding my hard-on again.

"Shizu-chan!"

"Tell me."

"Fuck me! Please... Enough teasing... I need it... Need you..."

He snarls, removing his fingers and shoving in harshly.

There are no words for how this feels.

"Ahhhhh~... Nnnnn, so...so big..." I gasp as he pulls out, only to slam in.

"And _you_...are so tight..." he winces, picking up pace against me.

"Oh, God... Ah, ah..." I manage as he begins thrusting into the walls further, looking for my sweet spot. When he finds it, I see white.

"SHIZU-CHAN! There~! Oh, please, there!"

"Hah... So loud..." he groans, riding against the spot like I begged.

Our moans fill the room, and the sound of his skin on mine is like a quiet melody. I realize this is what I've been needing. I really feel this way when he pulls out and picks me up, placing me in his lap.

"Well?" he asks as I look at him questioningly. "Ride me."

I smirk.

"So bossy, Shizu-chan~." I say as I lift myself up, slamming down onto his arousal.

"Hahhh..." he hisses, his eyes closing as I drive him in further than before.

"Mmmm, Shizu..."

The sounds fill the air again, and I feel my mind slipping away from me. We are all that exist right now. As long as he's inside me, that's all I need.

"Close...Izaya..."

"Inside... Come...inside..." I pant.

We careen over the edge of pure bliss, him inside me, and me on our chests. I flop my head against his shoulder and sigh happily as I feel his release coating my insides.

"Shizu-chan..." I mewl, kissing him again as he pants harshly.

Our breathing regulates, and he looks at me tiredly.

"...What now?" he growls.

Ah, good question. Do we leave and pretend this never happened? Do we go another round? Do we go snap Shinra's neck and put a spotlight on Celty so her shadow puppets choke her?

No... I'm tired of beating around the bush. I want him to fuck me so much more. I want to be his, and his alone. I didn't spend all this time bothering him to have him fall for someone else.

It's under this thought process that I kiss him again, moaning lowly as he deepens it.

So, what now? What now indeed, Shizu-chan?

"My place, or yours~?"

* * *

_Sachi: I promised... And I did it... And now... I'm going to crash._

_ Izaya: Goodnight~!_

_ Shizuo: Dirty. That's what this chapter was._

_ Sachi: Well, it's the last one for this one. It had to end with a bang. *wink*_

_ Izaya: I thought you were going to bed?_

_ Sachi: I am. So go get in there and warm it up!_

_ Shizuo: Review, because we like them. Also, Sachi tends to get upset when no one reviews. IZAYA! GET OUT OF THAT BED!_

_ Izaya: But I'm comfy!_

_Thanks for reading~! Until next time._


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